.004 [Video]

[what_ho_jeeves]

[The camera is shaking and jostling about quite a lot. Bertie is up in a tree, clinging to a branch with one hand while trying to video post with the other.]

I say, can someone please give a chap a helping hand here?

[The picture jolts as Bertie yelps and looks at something below him, off camera.]

Nice puss puss puss. Good puss.




((OOC: Feel free to spam and use this as a Bertie Day In The Life In Port, too))

Comments

[truth_is_cold]

[Rhade didn't see Bertie's video post. He heard his voice, but he wasn't really paying attention. What he was paying to was the giant cat that came padding around the tree and saw him his fair distance away.

Ah, well, narrative law was clear. Rhade was about to have a giant cat barrelling at him, and Bertie would be forgotten up in his tree. And that's precisely how it happened.

Fortunately, Rhade was enjoying getting in touch with his inner caveman, and picked up two sizable rocks.] Doctor! [Yes, he was going to yell for his warden. Shut up! If this thing bit off his head he wanted someone to immediately bring him back to life.]

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Truly, Bertie would probably have been dead a hundred times over had it not been for narrative law and Jeeves. With Jeeves not around, narrative law had to pick up the slack, and it was doing a fine job of it. Bertie would be grateful, if he knew what narrative law was.

As it was, he makes a note to himself to thank the gentleman in red leather sometime. And possibly inquire after his tailor. That was a corking jacket unlike anything Bertie's ever seen before.]

Fuck you tenses! And you too, grammar! I hate you all and I'm not your friend!

[truth_is_cold]

[Rhade's going to have to borrow some of that narrative law. He's at a loss for a moment and realizes throwing the rock might be a little... primitive. Banging them together might just provide an aura of protective annoyance. So he peels off his nice jacket quickly, the turtleneck underneath (yup, with the cat stalking toward him), and makes the quickest flail in the history of flails.

Oh what would he give for those boneblades back right now.

He yells at the cat and barrels at it, swings the flail, and runs at the animal. And it balks and starts to swipe before it catches a good hard crack right on the head.

It sort of balks away, but doesn't seem out of the game yet. Just confused that this monkey creature managed to hit it so hard.] What are you doing still up in the tree? Get out of the tree! [Wait, was he stuck in the tree?]

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Narrative law frequently saved Bertie's life, but that doesn't mean it liked to make life easy for him. He tried to disembark from his arborescent perch but the soles of his (very fine) shoes couldn't gain traction and he slipped and ended up dangling by a branch, arms gripping it tightly and legs flailing in the air.]

The way down is a tad steep from here. [Kick kick with his legs, trying to get them back in contact with the tree.]

[truth_is_cold]

How did you get up there in the- [He jumps back, preparing as the cat seems to be ready to make another go for him. He starts swinging his shirt around again to make another strike, the rocks heavy with the motion.] -first place!?

[And then, miracle of miracles.... An orangutan jumped out of a nearby tree onto the animal's back. The animal yowls and takes off, the ape (and then ten other apes after it, where did those even come from?) pursuing it lowdly through the jungle.

Now... Rhade's just sort of confused... and he drops the rocks out of his shirt, looks up at Bertie, wrinkles his nose and shakes his head, and goes over to the tree to climb.] Don't fall.

[what_ho_jeeves]

I didn't much think about it. One minute I was firmly on the terra, the next there was a giant feline and I was scrambling up for my life.

[Bertie watched the orangutan squad chase away the cat. That was a bit of luck, wasn't it.

Less lucky was that his hands were slipping on the branch. Just as soon as Rhade said "Don't fall" Bertie lost his grip and went plummeting. Fortunately, there was a pile of dried palm fronds there to break his fall.]

[truth_is_cold]

[He stands and watches as Bertie lands, about to climb the tree. But then, oh well. At least he didn't have to put forth the effort. He brushes off his shirt and raises an eyebrow at Bertie.] I suppose that plan works as well.

[What's less lucky, at least for Rhade, is the orangutan that's come bumbling along after the group and has his jacket. And is looking at it very curiously. He turns to see it.]

That belongs to me! Drop it!

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie sits up, his favourite Panama hat rather crushed, and sees the orangutan with excellent taste examining the jacket.]

Oh dear. He'll be after my waistcoat next. I'm sure the lack of tailors is frustrating for a sartorially inclined ape.

[truth_is_cold]

[And the startled look at the orangutan is redirected at Jeeves.] I don't believe fashion all that important in orangutan society.

[And he starts to approach, but the ape takes the jacket and turns away with it, in that threatening almost ready to run sort of stance. And Rhade wants the uniform coat back, but he doesn't want to have to climb a tree or battle an orangutan for it.]

Apparently that one is very fond of it, anyway. Is there any fruit I can offer it for a trade? [And what are they going to do if the orangutan squad comes back. He might have to contact his warden.]

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie looks around him for fruit.]

Will this whatsits do? [He holds up a slightly mashed banana. There are no banana plants nearby, so where it came from is anyone's guess.]

[truth_is_cold]

[He needs a moment to look around and try to figure out where that banana came from. ...Nowhere obvious. Ooookay.] It might?

[The orangutan looks over it's shoulder skeptically at the two of them. Like it's listening in. As it's tasting the jacket. Nom, slick and shiny.]

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie clumsily scrambles to his feet and moves towards the orangutan with the banana held outstretched in his hand.]

What ho...er...Ginger, do you mind if I call you Ginger? I have a good friend named Ginger; he's the Damon to my Pythias. Or was it the other way around? I can never remember with these Greek chaps.

...

Where was I?

{Spam}

[youriseyoushine.livejournal.com]

{Professor Fate has been somewhat close by, disgruntled by the lack of viable parts for the contraption he is planning. He returns, hearing the fuss.}

What in the blazes are you going on about—HELP! HEEEEELP!

{With that yelp, he'll just be scrambling up the neighbouring tree, his narrative law demanding that he lose a shoe in the battle.}

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

{Spam}

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie watches the shoe tumble to the ground and thinks that his inmate has the worse bally luck.]

What ho, Professor! [Nervously chipper in the face of GIANT FANGS AND CLAWS.]

Er...you don't happen to have a Remove-Cat-And-Descend-Safely-From-Tree invention on you, do you?

{Spam}

[youriseyoushine.livejournal.com]

MAYDAY MAYD—Do I look like I have a Remove Cat device? {He'll just throw his hat at it. Not that that helped, in fact, it probably made it worse.}

What does he want? If we give him what he wants, he'll go away.

{Spam}

[what_ho_jeeves]

I think he wants to eat one or the other of us for supper. So that idea's a non-starter. I won't throw you to the vicious man-eating beast, and you won't throw me to him.

[Poor Bertie's still getting used to this "inmate, possibly evil, likely doesn't value human life" concept.]

{Spam}

[youriseyoushine.livejournal.com]

{Time for a lesson in that one, Bertie.} Throwing you sounds like a fine idea! Unless you can think of something else he wants! I'm all out of hats!

{Cue looking around to see if there is anything else he can throw to or at the fearsome beast.}

{Spam}

[what_ho_jeeves]

No, it is not fine. It is distinctly un-fine. You can't throw me to that beast! [He pouts.]

Oh wait, I have a hat. But it's my favourite Panama hat. We can't throw that either.

{Spam}

[youriseyoushine.livejournal.com]

Of course I can't throw you, you incompetent ninny! I'd have to be not several feet up and away from you to throw you! {He breaks off a branch behind him, and starts hitting the tree he's in with it.} I heard they don't like noise.

BACK OFF, BEAST! {More quiet, ineffective banging.} MOVE OFF, YOU OVERGROWN STRIPED TABBY CAT!

{Spam}

[what_ho_jeeves]

Well, if they don't like noise, then you're perfectly safe. With or without the stick.

[Really, Professor Fate shouted more than an entire spectator stand at a rugby match. It was quite unlike any of the academics he remembered from his Oxford days.]

{Spam}

[youriseyoushine.livejournal.com]

Of course I'm perfectly safe with or without the—WAIT A MINUTE. What's that supposed to mean, funny man? {Flailing his stick wildly the whole time.} It isn't working! Grab a stick, maybe the ticket is two sticks. TWO STICKS. That'll scare 'em off! {More wild stick waving!}

{He makes rugby spectators look reserved.}

{Spam}

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie, overwhelmed by the shouting and stick flailing, takes up a stick of his own and flails it.]

I say, I don't think it's working.

{Spam}

[youriseyoushine.livejournal.com]

Of course it isn't working! WAVE HARDER! {Accompanied by Fate's own waving and cursing.} Go away!

{But then he starts to thinking. How is it one gets a cat to go away at one's house? He's always been more of a dog person.} If Chloe and Radclyffe were here you'd be mince pork-chop! {A frown.} Cat-chop?

{Say...there's an idea.} Bark at it! Bark at the cat!

{Spam}

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie looks at Fate as though he thinks he might be a bit daft, but desperate times and all that. Bertie starts barking. Barking and snarling and making all the doggie sounds he can think of.]

{Spam}

[youriseyoushine.livejournal.com]

{And Fate begins his repetoire of every dog noise he can think of—barking, yipping, howling, yowling, growling, and whining. Though, at this rate, the best they can hope for is the feline beast to just...get bored and wander off.}

post-cat.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

[Eddie had been busy studying a snake which he thought had a barcode. Turned out it was just black and white striped, so he trudged on, a little disappointed. He'd even brought his notebook, in the hope of getting some more animals in it.

He spotted Bertie through the trees, though, and Eddie tried to pick up his pace a little, and fell straight over a sticking up root of the tree. Instinctively, he froze. He did not have a good history with trees, and he was waiting for the moment when the tree attacked.]

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie watched Eddie make his way towards him and trip over a root. Bertie had done that himself a half dozen times by now.]

What ho, Eddie! Be careful when you ankle about here; the footing is...what's the word...treacherous, yes, treacherous.

[But when Eddie didn't move at all after tripping, Bertie got a little concerned. He trotted towards him.]

I say, are you altogether all right?

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

[Eddie held up a hand to make sure Bertie didn't think to come any closer, and pulled something out of his pocket to throw at the tree. It didn't move. That was good, and he quickly scrambled to his feet,]

Just fine. Thought it might be this place's equivalent of a yaetevo. [He brushed the dirt off his shorts and gave Bertie a slight grin,] It isn't! Yaetevos are terribly dangerous.

[what_ho_jeeves]

Yaetevo? I've never heard of it, although that's not unusual. There's a lot of things I haven't heard of. Jeeves would probably know exactly what it was, scientific name and common, plus points of horticultural interest. He's that sort of chap, you know.

What does a yaetevo usually look like?

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

They have roots which lift the tree above the ground, and long, moving branches which can grab you.

[He looked over at Bertie, a little confused,] Who's Jeeves?

[what_ho_jeeves]

Sounds perfectly dreadful! Mind you, sometimes it seems like some of Aunt Dahlia's garden bushes reach out and grab one, but they don't actually move, they just manage to be inconveniently placed where I want to be.

[Bertie brightens when Eddie asks about Jeeves.]

Jeeves is a paragon among paragons. He's my gentleman's personal gentleman and a right brainy chap. He always gets me and my friends out of any rum stitch we find ourselves in.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

You don't have anything like that at home? [He shrugged, and returned Bertie's enthusiasm,]

Sounds like a good friend. What... exactly is a gentleman's personal gentleman? Do you keep him all to yourself?

[Eddie got the idea of having servants pretty easily, but didn't understand Bertie's phrasing of it at all.]

[what_ho_jeeves]

Well, "friend" isn't quite the right way of putting it. [He was closer to Jeeves than he was to pretty much anybody, but the domestics weren't supposed to be friends.]

Jeeves is my valet. I employ him, although I have occasionally loaned out his brilliant mind to friends in need, and he's butled for my aged a. a time or two.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

[There was a moment of realisation, then Eddie tramped on through the trees, looking for something red as he talked to Bertie] Oh, he's like a Grey. Or he does a Grey's job. That makes sense.

Starch your collars, and that kind of thing? [He was less comfortable with the idea than he had been a long time ago, but he knew what Bertie meant now.]

[what_ho_jeeves]

Yes, exactly. Sees to my clothes, cooks, makes tea, keeps the flat tidy, and any number of other things, in addition to pulling this Wooster out of the fire on numerous occasions. This month and a half is the longest I've been without him since I hired him, and I honestly don't know how I've survived. Although I've made great strides recently in the tea-making front.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

[Eddie nodded,]

I imagine that sort of thing only works at home, though. I've... spent a while figuring out how to starch my own collars.

[what_ho_jeeves]

I say, you wouldn't mind showing me the trick, would you? I've made the attempt a time or two, but only succeeded in ruining some of my collars.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Of course. [Eddie had been sort of doing it for himself more when Jane shouted at him for even asking.] It's not too difficult once you've got used to it.

[what_ho_jeeves]

Awfully white of you, my good chap.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

[Pause. This was a colour reference Eddie had to think about. Usually, they were negative, and not... about white, but the inference was good enough.

He paused in his tracks, and after picking his way over a tree root, then turned to face Bertie.]

I never asked. Friend? [Mmm, social rituals.]

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie stopped when Eddie did.] Yes, I have a few of them.

[He thought asking if he had any friends was an odd thing to question a fellow about. Then an alternative explanation struck him.]

Oh, you mean to ask if we're friends! Of course we are, Eddie.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

[Eddie grinned, and made a mental note to add him when he got back,]

Good, good. Just a formality, I suppose. [He was a little aware other people thought it was a bit weird.]