.001 [Accidental Video...eventually]

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Voice]

--at ho? [sound of communicator falling down and shutting off.]



[Text]

e9oas0-50igf4eaw3l;k82=erwl;dkl;3r0;kxkop8954 0kdska0230-



[Video]


...blasted thing come with instructions.

[Lo! The whatsitsthingy is blinking! This might be a good sign. Or this might be like the half-dozen other times that he thought it was working when it actually wasn't. ...No...it really is working this time. In the background is a posh flat designed with hints of Art Deco in the architectural details.]

What ho, what ho!

I say, this is a dashed peculiar sort of ship, isn’t it? I mean, when I was approached by this Admiral chap I knew I’d be on some boat or another, but I rather expected it to be more of a sea-going affair, as is, I think, a natural conclusion to come to when the word “ship” is uttered. Instead, inside, I find a replica of my Berkeley Mansions flat, so perfectly perfect I half expect Jeeves to come biffing in through the kitchen door at any moment, and outside, I find all the starry universe.

Well, this is a rummy whatsits, it is. All the same, this Wooster shall not yield to brooding or despair. Oh no. Did the Wooster who fought at Agincourt look around that stormy and troubled hill and say, “Dash it all, this wasn’t on the cards,” and go home? Oh no. A Wooster always keeps his word, you know.

[He emphatically gestures with the hand that's holding the communicator at the end of his little speech, causing the picture to veer wildly around and ultimately drops it again. Barge-folk, enjoy a view of his ceiling.]

Dash it all, why can't the Admiral use sensible things that start with "tele," like telegrams and telephones to--

[And in picking it up he's accidentally turned it off again. It may be hours before he figures out how to turn it back on.]

Comments

[collector]

[...Oh Heavens below. What is this person.]

Did you take something of a wrong turn on your way to Magdalen College?

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Text]

890dajk3290890&*(#@LJkdkasjkk sj eiu3578352fehdskl=-148

[If he pushes enough buttons, eventually he'll get to...]

[VIDEO!]

I was on my way to the Drone's Club, actually, in the metrop. Have you been? Good eggs there, all of them. It's a funny thing, because I've walked there hundreds upon hundreds of times, and only just today the road wasn't as it was supposed to be. I say the road wasn't as it was supposed to be because that surely makes more sense than me making a wrong turn on a path I've walked hundreds upon hundreds of times.

Then I met a strange fellow...or maybe it was just a voice...asking if I wanted to do some people a spot of help, and I said, "No thanks, I've got to meet Bingo for lunch," and he said, "Well, that's not very preux is it?" or words to that effect, and I said, "You're right, dash it all," and he said, "And you get to ask for a wish to be granted," and I said, "What, like a genie?" and he said, "Right-o! But two less," and I said--

[This will keep going unless you interrupt him.]

[collector]

[Braxiatel clears his throat to cut through.]

Very good, Mr. Wooster. But I wouldn't dream of intruding on whatever exchanges you may have made with a less generous version of the Westernised djinn. Perhaps it would be wise to spend a moment or two carefully studying your communicator? [He does not have high hopes about where this will go, but.]

[what_ho_jeeves]

Oh. Right. Yes.

[And Brax gets video of Bertie staring with furrowed brow at the communicator for many long seconds before he finally utters,]

Am I looking for anything in particular?

[collector]

I highly doubt it.

[Brax remembers his original intention was to be helpful. Actually, no, there was no original intention. He was just slightly stunned. But now he feels obligated to try to be of some use.] To prevent those, ah, little mash-ups of letters , I thought it might be of aid to you if you were sure you knew which buttons did what. So you don't accidentally make a post [that gets you married] when you would much rather not.

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Enough time and enough keyboard mashing and eventually he would spell out "I luv u, will u marry me." Or the Complete Works of Shakespeare.]

That's awfully white of you, Mr...

I don't believe I caught your name.

[collector]

[Brax might marry somebody who proposed to him using Shakespeare, so it's best we stop him from keyboard smashing.]

Braxiatel. I'm happy to be of assistance.

[what_ho_jeeves]

Mr. Braxiatel. Good of you to pull me out of the soup viz. this whatsit. Usually my man Jeeves deals with these little problems, but as I am left to fend for myself here I would be in a rum stitch if I didn't have a bit of guidance from someone "in the know" as it were.

[collector]

Ah. You ought to have asked the Admiral to make your valet your Warden's item.

[what_ho_jeeves]

That idea didn't even cross the Wooster skull. Do you think it's too late to change my mind?

[collector]

Surely not, but I suspect the Admiral may not be so agreeable.

[what_ho_jeeves]

Well, nothing ventured nothing gained, as some brainy cove said.

[collector]

And you may be rewarded with biscuits for your trouble if you don't receive a valet.

Private (threadjack, couldn't resist)

[una_persson]

Braxiatel, what are you doing to the poor man?

Private

[collector]

If it works, his probability of surviving increases dramatically. [And he won't feel vaguely responsible for trying to look out for somebody so helplessly helpless.] There's no harm whatsoever if he does not succeed.

Private

[una_persson]

Apart from the fact that he'll be pegged as a fool if it doesn't work -- which, I might add, it very likely won't?

Private

[collector]

I'm not convinced that he won't be pegged as a fool without any help. This is actually quite worth trying, given that a sentient robot is one of the Doctor's warden's item.

Private

[una_persson]

...no, you're right; he does wear his foolishness rather plainly. Why did the Admiral bring him here? He'll be devoured. Unless he really is one of those blessed fools who floats along like a cork on the waves.

Sentient robots notwithstanding, though, I will be genuinely shocked if this works.

Private

[collector]

The Admiral does have a very sharp sense of humour.

It will be harder for him without Jeeves, but a number will disregard him entirely as an idiot. He'll be safe from them. And there's nothing to be done about the random mishaps that take us all. If his well-being is to be taken into consideration, we ought to keep an eye out for how enterprising individuals could take advantage of him.

[With a smile] Perhaps you could extend your protection to him by becoming his fiancée?

Private

[una_persson]

[EPIC facepalm.]

You do realise that having made that suggestion, Barge superstition demands that it will happen eventually, willing parties or no. And with him, it's all but inevitable that someone will get engaged to him.

Private

[collector]

Does it? Damn my forgetting the dangers of narrative convention.

Private

[una_persson]

You of all people forgetting that. Gracious.

Private

[collector]

I can't think of how it slipped my mind.

Would it be any sort of comfort to you if I promised to look out for him as I can?

Private

[una_persson]

Some sort, yes.

[Note she's not saying which.]

And I plan to keep an eye on him as well.

Private

[collector]

[He can make an educated guess.]

And that is a comfort to me. Do be careful you don't turn into a Colombine, dear Harlequin.