what_ho_jeeves | .013-- Forth Wall Day

[The gentlest of cleared throats]

[Bertie would recognize that particular throat clearing anywhere.]

Jeeves! Am I bally glad to see you!

Likewise, sir.

[Now a cough that signifies forthcoming awkward questions]

This telephonic device was delivered this morning with a small packet of instructions. I was not anticipating your presence at the other end of the line, as it were. I feel compelled to ask if you are quite safe, sir?

Oh, yes, this ship is perfectly safe. [Bertie remains forever oblivious to all the mass mayhem, torture, and death.] In fact, it's all a bit dull. Did you know there's not even a shuffleboard on deck?

So, how are my old chums? Tuppy, Biffy, Stinker and the rest of them? How have they fared without me around to advise them on their troubles?

[One eyebrow has raised a precise sixteenth of an inch and the shadow of the apologetic ghost of a frown is lurking around the corner of his mouth. Utter bewilderment, to those who know him well.]

Your friends, I think, remain much as they did when you left them at the Drones Club last evening. It is, if you will pardon my saying so, not outside the realm of possibility that they have in that time entangled thenselves in significant personal trouble. I shall telephone directly, if you like.

May I ask your destination on your impromptu cruise? I shall have your evening jacket forwarded at once.

Last evening? That can't be. I'm quite sure I've been here longer than that. Significantly longer. [Bertie's own bewilderment is plastered clearly on his face for all the world to see.]

I didn't think to ask where the ship is going. This Admiral fellow asked me if I'd like to come aboard and he said that if I did I could have anything I wanted. I asked, "Anything? Even that corking purple hat?" And he said yes, and so aboard I came and I've been here for going on over half a year now and I miss you bally awfully, Jeeves.

[He is employed.]

[Apparently by the navy..]

[Nobody has been making his tea.]

[And it is all impossible within the limits of known physics.]

[Jeeves will now quietly and politely, with the utmost discretion, turn a shade of white usually reserved for close and sudden exposure to horseshoe ties or pajamas at dinner.]

If you will pardon me for a moment, sir.

[A few moments later]

A quick perusal of the other missives available on this device has provided some insight as to your situation, sir. It would seem that you have been called to provide guidance for some wayward person in exchange for a reward. While I do advise against exposing a gentleman of your position to employment for any length of time, and also against headgear of that particular shade, your acceptance of this task is quite a noble one, sir.

I regret that I have been absent. I was quite unaware of the situation and must immediately extend my deepest apologies for the oversight.

Yes, that's the thing. I'm a warden to a young girl named Ana. She's a dashed clever filly, although her sartorial style...well, let's just say I think the shock of it would require you to go lie down for a bit.

I asked the Admiral to bring you on board, but he simply refused. It's positively ungentlemanly of him to deny a man his valet. I would complain to the company, but I'm not quite sure who they are. In truth, I'm starting to wonder if the hat is worth it.

I feel I may perhaps be sufficiently inured against further upsets, sir.

Perhaps this is a test of sorts that you are meant to undergo alone. [Though the wrinkling of his brow at the practically microscopic level indicates that he disapproves of the very notion]

The poet Edmund Spenser wrote of a set of similarly otherworldly tasks or trials of virtue for a group of knights in his poem The Faerie Queene, although the work has heretofore been considered allegorical-

A test. You mean like a school examination. [Bertie's nose wrinkles in disgust.] I think I've already had quite enough of those for one lifetime.

More in the sense of the trials of Hercules, or the quest for the Grail, if I may. A proof of your valor. I have always personally taken your ancestor's presence at Agincourt as proof enough.

If you should desire to come home, sir, I am certain it could be arranged.

Oh, I see. I am as a knight arrant.

[This idea pleases him. But the joy slowly dribbles away.] I might have had enough of arranting. There are some lovely birds and beazels here but I don't think I'm cut out for this employment business. I miss the metrop. and the Drone's Club, and eggs and b. brought to my bedside for breakfast each morning. Yes, I think I'm about ready to pack it all in and come home.

Then perhaps a word with the Admiral and I will do my best to expedite matters? If you can tell me how to contact him.

Well, usually I use the little cinema telephone whatsits to call him. He often doesn't reply, however. I've heard of some people sometimes simply bellowing at the ceiling to get his attention, but I'm not sure whether or not that's more effective.

I see. If you would oblige me by pointing your telephonic device towards the ceiling?

Right-o, Jeeves.

[And the picture swings around a bit clumsily until it finally points upward.]

All set.

[He clears his throat delicately]

Admiral, I must request that you allow Mister Wooster to leave at any time of his choosing. Should I find that you are holding him against his will at any point I shall have to negotiate with you in person, a process I fear will be quite tedious for us both.

[And there's an expression on his face that he'd never display in front of Bertie, which will be gone as the dew on the leaf as soon as the communicator turns back.]

That will do, sir, thank you. We can only hope that the gentleman will consider my request.

[Communicator turns back around.]

I don't doubt he will. You have a way of convincing people, Jeeves.

Have I, sir? You're very kind to say so, sir.

Shall I put the kettle on in anticipation of your return to home?

That would be splendid, Jeeves, just splendid. [No one can make a pot of tea quite like Jeeves, and Bertie has been deprived for too long.]

I'll need a spot of time to say good-bye to my chums here first, though.

Very good, sir. All shall be ready when you return to the flat. [He displays the tiniest, the most modest of pleased smiles.]

Phone home.

Good Lord.

I say, good Lord.

...

Er...I was, indeed, contacting my home. That tall and handsome chap I was just talking to, the one with the enormous, brain-filled skull is my valet, you see. He's been minding the flat while I've been away.

Phone home. Phone home.

I could try to call my Aunt Dahlia, if that's what you mean...

E.T. phone home.

E.T.? Does that refer to the telephone company? Maybe Edison Telephone?

I say, you're not a salesman, are you? I've already got a perfectly suitable telephone, thank you.

Ouuuuuuuch.

Ho-ho-ho! What would you like for Christmas, little boy?

Why, Mr. Claus! Of all the people I never thought I'd meet. How do you do, sir.

There is this tie, bright blue with tiny yellow dots on it, that I meant to buy but by the time I got 'round to it the bally thing had been snatched off the table by someone else! I don't suppose you could swing that for me, could you?

Well, now, you've been very nice this year.

If you eat all your vegetables and wash behind your ears, I will see to it that you have that tie on Christmas morning.

That's jolly good of you, Father Christmas. I promise to do all the vegetable-eating and ear-washing that a person could want.

.013-- Forth Wall Day

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I am so sorry I am not as good a classicist as Jeeves ;.;

No worries. I know not a thing about Spenser.

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