what_ho_jeeves | .007 [Voice]

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.007 [Voice]

[Not private filtered at all. Bertie doesn't quite get the filter thing unless the other person filters first.]

Professor Fate? I say, Professor, are you there?

And, Admiral, my good chap, since you refuse to bring me my valet, even though he'd be corking at this wardening business, I need a bit of help with my flat. It's getting a bit chaotic if you know what I mean. Dusting is dashed harder than it looks, and I've already broken two teacups trying to wash up. If you won't let me have Jeeves, don't you at least a maid on board who could tidy up? This really is the worst service I've had on a ship. I've half a mind to write a complaint to your company chairman and tell him so.

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{It's okay. Fate doesn't get them either.}

What? What is it? I'm here, I'm here. Don't get everything all in a twist.

I'll have you know I didn't break any of your teacups.

No no no, I said that I broke the teacups. I think you might have broken one of my brandy glasses, though.

But all that's in the past. At this point in time, I called to ask whether you wanted to pop out onto shore, as it were. Although there might be jaguars again...and I don't mean the automobile.

You want to go back out there? After what happened last time? You do remember what happened last time, don't you?

Well...yes...there was a jaguar. Or it might have been a leopard. I'm not sure I could tell the difference. If Jeeves were here, I'm sure he could explain it, though. He knows dashed near everything, Jeeves does. Quite the brainiest chap ever to put on a bowler hat. [And...getting back on topic.] Other than nearly being some giant feline's dinner, the last port wasn't so rotten. A bit like the beaches on Cuba, in fact. It brought to mind this one time I was at a tropical resort and Jeeves-- [He will just keep talking and talking about some misadventure and Jeeves' brilliance unless Professor Fate interrupts.]

If you want to become cat hors d'ouvres, that's your affair, I certainly won't stop you. But you're missing more than a good chunk of the grey matter if you think I'm coming with you!

Oh. Well, that's all right; we can stay in. In fact, we can do the questionnaire I cooked up. It's all about the psychology of the individual. Wait just a tick while I go find it. [Bertie vanishes from the screen, although the video is still running. There's the sound of papers being shuffled, then a shout of "Eureka!" And he returns with a few sheets of notepaper clutched in one hand.]

The sigh college-y of the who-what-how?

Psychology. With a soundless "p". It's Greek, and like the "e" in "cake"...except "cake" isn't Greek at all. Although I suppose the Greeks also bake cakes of a sort...

In any event, this questionnaire will better allow me to help you. Now, let's begin. [He runs his finger along the top to find the first question.] Ah, here we are. Question number one...

"Are you evil?"

Stop blabbering about soundless Greek cakes! And what kind of a question is that? I am in business, and you can't succeed in business without...{villainous, moustache twirling chuckle} breaking a few eggs.

Business? Eggs?

...

Are you a chef? Because I was quite certain you were an academic.

{Another sinister chuckle.}

Oh, please, do let me assure you. Economics and academics are all about business and eggs.

They are? [He thinks about this.] I don't remember many eggs at Oxford. Except those on the breakfast table, of course. And a few dons whose heads were shaped like eggs and just as bare of hair.

IT'S A METAPHOR.

{After the yelling, his voice switches back to calm, as it so often does.}

You do know what a metaphor is, don't you?

You're really quite reliant on your Grey, aren't you, Bertie?

You don't need service, I'll show you how to do things for yourself. Jane's showed me, it's not difficult.

I depend on Jeeves to take care of dashed near everything as far as the flat is concerned. He's a very dependable chap...or would be if he were here.

That'd be awfully white of you, Eddie, to show me what's what. Jeeves makes it all look so simple, but it's really quite tricky.

Mm, well, it happens a lot at home. We'd be nowhere without Greys, but it's hardly fair on them.

I'll do what I can. I'm not great at some things, but we should be able to get you sorted.

It's true. There's even a device on wheels that sucks dirt into it's mouth and sends it away somewhere so you haven't got to think about it anymore!

The hooverwhatsits! Yes, I think I might have one of those somewhere... That would be a dashed sight easier than picking up all the bits of dirt by hand.

And it keeps one's hands clean!

Quite true. Although they look a bit complicated. Far worse than the kettle, and that was itself a spot of bother.

Why, what did it do?

[Mostly neutral tone, with a slight 'Are you kidding me?' undertone] I really don't think the Admiral grants those sort of requests. Then again, you never know. [A sigh. He almost feels bad for Bertie.] Being without a valet isn't that difficult. I've done it for several years now. Do you need some help?

I've never been on a ship that didn't offer at least a little room service. The Admiral's competitors will put him out of business if he doesn't shape up.

...You've been without a valet for years? How do you manage? This is the longest I've ever been without a valet ever since I left school, and I feel as if my flat's about to fall down around my ears.

You do know what sort of ship you're on, right? A prison ship. Most prisons don't offer the guards and cops valets or personal maids.

It's really quite simple. I've never had one, so I've always been self-sufficient. Listen, I'm not going into port, so if you'd like some assistance with the cleaning I could help you.

It's not much of a prison, is it. No black and white striped uniforms, no balls and chains or work crews. And so far every one I've spoken to has been quite splendid, although that young man in dark glasses told me that I was a horrible criminal, which is simply not true, but some people are touchy when it comes to silver cows creamers and the removal thereof.

A spot of help would be quite splendid of you Mr...?

No, it's not. It's rather something else. Most don't take place on a space ship that has vampires, aliens, mysteriously replenishing food and drink, etc. [Pause] I don't think stealing a creamer would make you a criminal.

Sorry, that was rude of me. Name's Will Graham.

How do you do, Mr. Graham.

I suppose you're right, that this is an unusual sort of prison. The chaps back at the Drones club will hardly believe me when I tell them about this place. They'll all be wanting a go at it.

Er. [That was a bit unexpected.] Quite well, actually. [Your manners and time period. They are confusing.]

I'm sure they would, but I doubt the Admiral would allow everyone on. [Then again, with some of the wardens, he's really not sure anymore.] Then we'd be overpopulated.

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missed this!

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[Voice]; y so adorable, Bertie?

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